Monday May 29th, 2000

- Do you remember that day when I saw you by chance in ….. - Yes - It wasn't by chance, it was planned, it was my third time to come all this way trying to find you And he started telling her all what he has been hiding for a year and a half, he took her through all the days, hour by hour and minute by minute, he couldn't help it. Like a waterfall that cannot stop he went on telling her everything. She was silent, shocked and when he urged her to speak, all she said was: - But Meto, I do not deserve all this - Why do you think so? - I mean… I'm… I'm not that good of a person - Who said that I did all this because you are good - So how do you call this? - Love? - This can't be possible… for me you are nothing but a friend With that simple word she brought him down to earth in an unexpected collapse. He felt as if a cold steel hand was squeezing his heart, he couldn't think or speak. He felt as if he had just heard his sentence of death. She left announcing that this would be the last time they should meet, and he was left with an agony of pain to overcome, a broken heart to heal, a void where her love was, a longing to manage and a dark tomorrow where she will not be there. He left, walking alone in the silent night, a totally different person than the one who was almost flying on his way to meet her few hours earlier. He went home, had a last look at his sisters and decided that tomorrow shall not come if she will not be in it. A pharmacy student would think of one thing to end his life…

Tuesday June29th 1999!

They were walking by the sea in Alexandria, watching the sunset, their bodies touching every now and then, he was on fire! They walked a lot along the coast until it got dark and the full moon shone in the clear summer sky. They talked a lot, there was always something to say, something to share. That shy silent boy who rarely opened his mouth to say something was suddenly talking non stop, taking her into his life, allowing her access to the deepest parts of him, something he never did to anyone. Only one part he kept hidden in a dark corner of his heart, that heart that was starting to see the first light of love with her. He didn't tell her that he was in love with her, that he has been doing miracles to find her again, and he did it, and he came to Alexandria only to get the chance of spending some time with her, only few hours with her were enough to keep him alive for long time. He wanted time to stop, that was the happiest day in his life, he wanted these moments of silent passion to last forever, that was the happiness he has always heard about but never felt. Something inside him was urging him to tell her that he has been born the day he saw her for the first time, that he has been to that place over and over again just to revisit that incident, that he loves her and wants nothing else from this world, that suddenly the phone became his best friend because it connects them, he had a lot to say but he couldn't. He kept it in his heart for the fear of losing her was more than he could handle, just seeing her was the best thing that could ever happen to him. They had talked before about Titanic the movie, how they both shared the fascination and had exact views about it. He was preparing her a gift. before saying goodbye to her, he gave her a card carrying photos from the movie, with his own hand he has written "Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go till we're gone" He gave her the card looking in her beautiful dark eyes, telling her silently: "Love was when I loved you one true time I hold to in my life we'll always go on…"

Sunday January 24th, 1999!

How can anyone write about 10 years of his life in one post, or a hundred, or even a thousand? If there are 365 days in a year, and with each day adding something to that young, naïve and solitary boy, then I must need 3650 posts, assuming that I will not need to write about the hours within each day. Ten years have passed since that young boy left home one day in January heading to the most beautifully artistic place in Cairo, enjoying the cold weather and every minute of solitude, running to embrace the fine works of art and dreaming of going to Europe to have the real collection in its museums. Right in front of the only Van Gogh in Egypt, an encounter that was meant to change his life forever was already taking place. It was the twenty fourth of January 1999. A one sided love that filled his days with the first happiness of its kind, happiness that is not flavored with academic success or supported by praise from family or injected by envy from colleagues, a secret happiness that only he felt and enjoyed silently. Yes, he was happy, for the first time he knew what love is, that vague story that filled 4 years of his school life earlier was nothing compared to that new feeling. The following months proved to him that he was really in love, he was being transformed, just after two meetings he was doing wonders to reunite with that mysterious person that entered his life and disappeared without a trace. 1999 was the year of self discovery, he went as far as he could, risked all what could be risked at that time to follow what he was destined for, and yes he got what he wanted, for he is a Capricorn, strong willed and determined, and even at the age of 20 he was strong enough to search for the only person that made him feel this irresistible happiness, that only person that he didn't panic when she started to talk to him, that only person that did not freak from his funny clothes, shy looks and silent nature. That person that for the first time in his life told him in a subtle and indirect way "you are normal" for she also loved art, loved being alone, loved the books he reads and the songs he relate to and the movies he watch absorbingly. That day was a rebirth, a start of a journey that is still going on!

Flooded!

I'm not sure if I did the right thing by starting this series of posts. I've been crying on daily basis, whenever I see a comment I just burst into tears, and yes I am a 30 years old Egyptian man and I cry, I still cry and I hope I can always be able to cry! Flooded by all these emotions from people I know, very close people to me and from anonymous people I don't know who they are but I treasuer their comments because if they are carrying anything, they definitely are genuine, for anonymous people did not care of getting credit for telling me how they feel... And Salma, a7la 7aga fe 7ayaty, I don't know what to say, but do I need to say anything asslan??? You know it all and any words will just be silly compared to what I feel. I hope I can control these emotions and keep on writing this series. For everyone who took the time to read and comment, if I'm still alive in this place, it is because of your love. I only hope I deserve it and I ask God never to make me a source of disappointment to anyone who loves me. Ya Rabb!

Of Turning Thirty/Meto at Twenty!

In the year 1999 I turned twenty. If you had the chance to see me in this year you would have seen a totally different person. Young was the word to describe my age and my face but not my looks, with my extremely old fashioned clothes and glasses that I insisted to wear only to look older and with the sad deep look that I always carried, with the kind of books I used to read and whenever I opened my mouth to say anything -something that rarely happened- you would say "What's wrong with this boy?! he looks 16 and he sounds 50!!" I was silent most of the time, engulfed in my own world, talking to myself either silently or loudly most of the time and trying to keep away from people as much as I could. I never had friends at school, my attachment to studying and to be always the first kept me closer to my teachers and books but very far from my colleagues, and actually I didn't mind that, on the contrary, I used to see my colleagues as ridiculous and silly creatures who are shallow and dumb and who spend their valuable time doing useless things. I felt superior and far batter than them so they did not deserve even to say good morning to them or replying to anything they said. My world had no people except my family, mainly my mother and 4 sisters, and of all the members of my family, my little sister Salma was my pet. I took full charge of her when she was 2 and I was 14, I became responsible for anything related to her life, school, going out, reading, everything! At that age she was the only human being I got closer to, with her cheerful and life loving self she filled my days with happiness, I saw many things through her little innocent eyes and I spent my best times with her. Till this day I never feel she is my sister, she is my daughter, a piece of me and the dearest person to my heart. This weird character went with me to university and the fact that I was studying Pharmacy with all the abuse we had to go through from long tiring sessions to being victims to all kinds of psychological complexes that the professors suffered from and got on us, this added to my silent and inward solitude and resulted in this absurd character that I had. I recall that the worst time ever was the one when I had to work in a group to perform some lab work or to do an expriment where each student is supposed to coordinate with a team to get something done. Thank God my reputation as a very clever guy helped me to gain the trust of my colleagues that I will handle everything and they will just get the results, I gained their trust and respect but not their love, but did I care? My free time which was only in the summer holidays was spent in training; I worked in pharmacies, companies, medical labs, I just wanted to make use of every minute I have to get career-related knowledge. And going out meant going out alone or with my family, rarley with school colleagues who for sure found me very boring with my silence, my deep interest in books and my hate to football and sports, my inability to share their talks about cars and such things that teenagers find engaging. At that age I was extremely religious, I used to pray in the mosque as much as possible, walking always with the holly Koran and reading it in transportation and whenever I had any free time. My biggest dream was to bomb myself in palistine to gain a lifetime residence in paradise and do something useful with my anyway ending life, and if I couldn't do this, my more earthy dream was to graduate and have a career in research, finding a magical drug that cures one of the world's most deadly diseases, getting a Noble prize in medicine, getting married as soon as I graduate and have a big family with lots of daughters (probably that was the influence of Salma) So in short, at 20 I was this weird silent guy, wearing funny clothes, attaching passionately to religion, judging people by the way they dress and their grades at school, reading difficult books mostly classical novels of Arabic, English, French and German writers and living in my own world that no one had any access to, carrying a bad experience of one sided attraction to a beautiful girl at school who I never ever had the courage to go and talk to although her sister was my sister's best friend, loving her silently and writing her tears-drawing painful love letters that never reached her and suffering but enjoying in silence and solitude. I also had some attempts in writing, with several short stories and a long story with all the sadness and misfortunes that could happen to a hundred people all happening to one poor woman that I created as a character! In 1999 I turned twenty and in that year, a new me was being created! Keep following!

Of Turning 30!

Some days and I will be 30! Although I do not feel anything negative as I expected to feel or as people keep saying that I should feel old, ancient, life is going to end soon, the counter is now set to count down, I still do not feel any of such feelings. But for me the number 30 marks a stage in my life, and when I see myself 10 years ago, I see a different person, a 20 years old boy at school closed in his own world and totally accepting what life offers him. Now I'm different, many things happened in the last 10 years, many people entered my life and changed it, many people left me un removable scars and many others left me undeniable gifts. But all in all, I am a different person. In the next posts I will be sharing with you the main events that took place and the most influencing people who entered my life in the last 10 years, of course as much as possible as not everything can be shared on a web page that is open for the public. stay with me and get on board this trip, watching myself turning 30 :)