My Dear Son,
They say that a mother’s heart never stops loving its children, they speak of mothers who used to be children themselves and who have only some children, but no one thought of a mother that has been a mother since she was born, a mother who can never be anything else and who has millions and millions of children, a mother who is as ancient as the oldest parts of history, a mother whose children never stopped to impress the world and never will.
Yes, I am your mother that you haven’t chosen and I love you even when you did not, for a mother’s heart cannot host anything but love for her own children, and even when you kept convincing yourself that you hated me and I hated you back, I listened to you and swallowed the pain in my heart, and a mother’s heart is like an ocean that has no limits for swallowing pain from her children.
I saw you without you knowing, I saw you as a silent child, very unusual, very serious and very lonely. I saw how you grew up into a silent boy, always asking questions and thinking of unusual things and I knew that you won’t be just another one of my children; a mother knows the future of her children even before they see it themselves. I saw you as a brilliant child at school and I was proud of you, I saw you hiding in your room reading and writing, I kept all your secrets for a mother knows how to keep secrets. I was very happy when I saw my love in your heart, when you used to go secretly to the pyramids and spend hours alone admiring the achievements of your ancestors, and always linking all that glory to me. Nothing makes a mother happy like the gratitude of her children. I wanted to hold you when you made your love for me your first email, when you used your knowledge to tell your friends about how great my history was, about how much you love me, and how your only dream was to travel only to come back and make me a better place.
And you travelled, my dear son, but suddenly something changed in you, you started to love yourself more than you loved me, a mother’s heart can deal with anything, this is true, but from you, it was painful, and if countries could cry, you would have made me cry for years. I saw you when you had your shock after seeing how your brothers and sisters are treated in that hospital you worked in, you blamed the government and decided to do something about it, and you worked on medicines that will make sickness goes away. But something inside you changed, the world and its glory distracted you, your passion for knowledge, your ambitions and your perfectionist nature did not allow you to stay as you are, the young man living for the dream of living in a better place that he is part of making. I saw you on your way to Paris and I started to feel jealous from the way you were looking at the country from the air, I knew you will compare and you will start hating me, and nothing kills a mother like when her own children compare her to another, more beautiful and more elegant.
I saw you walking in the streets, admiring everything, wanting to kiss every place and wishing that you have thousands of eyes, I saw the way you enjoyed drinking water from the taps and calling my own river that is as eternal as the universe dirty and polluted, I saw you on the airport crying, not wanting to come back. I saw your face disgusted from my air that you breathed for years without complaining. I saw your heart tied to another place and I was jealous, yes my son mothers feel jealous but I couldn’t do anything about it. I saw you deciding to live there, spending all your money on trips, enjoying the beauty of nature and cold weather, always comparing and I always lose the comparison. I saw you writing that love letter to Europe, calling her your mother, giving her credit for anything good in you, I heard you declaring that the day you get another nationality you will celebrate burning your Egyptian one. I saw and heard and kept all the pain for me, deep inside my heart. I didn’t deny you my land even if you couldn’t stand walking on it, I didn’t deny you my water even when you called it dirty and polluted and I didn’t deny you my air even when you said it suffocated you. A mother can never deny her son anything he needs, even if he doesn’t know that he needs it.
I saw that black plant of hatred growing inside your heart, leaving no place for any love for me, I heard you declaring it everywhere and to everyone, threatening those who love me that they will be kicked out of your life, calling them blind and sick, and denying them the right of love that you got rid of. As if you wanted me to be abandoned and secluded, like an ugly weary tomb that no one even wants to burry a dead body in. I heard you when you said that you wished if you could be denied to enter my land again. You hated me my son and I was silent, I waited for a mother has nothing else to do when her children hate her.
I knew that your heart couldn’t make a difference between what I give you and what some of my children do, you were unable to separate and you held me responsible for everything bad you see, you never gave yourself a chance to think that I might not be responsible, as if you wanted to hate me, for you thought that a clear decision is better than a confused status, you were unable to host the feeling of loving me and hating what is happening on my land. And I was silent as I have always been, because I know that I will not stay as you saw me, I know my children more than you knew them and I was just waiting for them to come back to me. And they did my son, and you were not with them, you made fun of them, you said that you do want the change but you were not willing to be part of it, you said that I didn’t give you anything so why would you bother even with your emotions, but I knew that this will change.
But the change came, and you were not part of it as you wanted. It came one winter day when you were in another city far away from my land, enjoying a better weather and a cleaner air, sitting in a café with your friend and making fun of those naïve people who think that they can make a change with some demonstrations, describing them as pathetic and fishing for self appreciation when the real change needs a leader. You preferred to make it more impossible to keep me imprisoned in the image you have created for me in your mind and give yourself more fixed grounds for hating me. But the change came and came only from those young, naïve and pathetic sons and daughters of mine. For few days your mind wasn’t able to capture what happened. Until that Friday when you were enjoying the luxury of your 5 stars fancy hotel room overlooking the great sea. And when all my lands were isolated from internet and satellite, you far away had all the access. You saw my sons and daughters in the square, you saw the water thrown at them in the cold of the winter and they never retreated, you saw the gas and the gun shots, you saw the cars smashing their bodies and you saw the brave men and women dying for me, yes for me, for what you have never believed in.
I cried with you my dear son, your throbbing heart beats were shaking me like an earthquake. Your tears were more precious than the waters of my magical river. Your face pressed against the window looking at the sea that separated you from me made me young again, for the happiness I felt when I had you back was long waited for. I cried with you my dear son, I felt your turmoil when you were locked in your hotel room, unable to come back to me, I felt how scared you were that your wish had come true finally but in the wrong time, for that was the only time you really wanted to come back to me. For the first time I heard you saying “my country” for the first time you said “Egyptian” whenever you were asked about your nationality and for the first time you were proud that you belonged to me.
And now you are back my dearest son, back into my land, inside my heart and I forgive you. My happiness with your return left me no place to feel anything else. For I am a mother and I will always love and forgive you like mothers do. No matter where you go and what you do or say, I know that you will always come back to me and snuggle in my arms, for this is the only place that will give you a home.
Yours,
Masr
